Letter 1

Feb. 10th, 2013 02:11 am
chiefofsinners: (peeking)
[personal profile] chiefofsinners
I miss the days when I used to do this.
I think back then I had a journal to write these in as well.
What I need to do is get a book just for Your letters instead of sticking them in amongst all this hodge podge.
But then, you know how easily I get distracted. All the random notes would sneak in regardless.

I've missed You. More than even my family, I think. That kind of missing is just a vaguely dull ache that occasionally flares into something more visceral from time to time. Missing You though... It's an ache, too. But it's deeper. Down in my bones. There's that lonely feeling even when I'm surrounded by people. And then, when I have the chance to spend time with You but do other things instead, that ache underlies everything. And then it's suddenly so late and I've lost my chance for some face time, and it's that sinking feeling like I've just thrown away another four or more hours of my life.

I need You so much. My life feels so empty without You there. And I need You to help me not make so many stupid decisions. I know You must cringe at some of the crap I pull. I know I do... I've tuned out that still small voice for so long that now that I want to listen, I have to strain to hear it. I've lost the ability to consider the consequences of my actions before I jump in pell-mell. Like with the Great Christmas Glitter Debacle of 2012. That was stupid. No doubt about it. I could have saved a whole lot of time and energy if I'd just thought it out beforehand instead of just winging it.

And then there's this whole thing with him. I feel like I'm cheating on You, which I know is not the case at all. You want me to find someone. Or rather, You want me to meet the right one. But I want to get to know You better first. Because I feel like even after 11 years of 'knowing' You, I don't really know You. But my mind keeps gravitating back to him, even though I don't want it to. I like him a lot, though. Like a lot a lot. Heart, skipping beats, saying stuff that probably cements my idiocy in his mind, the whole schpiel. And I'd rather that wasn't the case.

I think I probably like him because he reminds me of You. Which is progress, I guess. I used to fall for absolute jerks who treated me horribly. So the fact that I've fallen for someone who is at least semi-concerned for my emotional and spiritual well-being is actually kind of a big thing. But I'm trying my darndest NOT to form emotional attachments to guys I should be viewing in a more brotherly fashion. And that's not working out so well for the most part. If I think about it, I've been doing this since kindergarten. Which is kind of alarming, really. This kind of behaviour is not something that should perpetuate for such a long time. It's unhealthy, and it's just stupid. I want to have normal relationships with the opposite sex. I'm so grateful for Cody and Rizz at least. Sort of the big brothers I never had. But the rest. It's destroying my sanity one bit at a time.

I need Your help. Big time. Help me to actually focus on something worthwhile for once. Keep drawing my mind away from him. Especially when it's infringing on face time with You. And help me to become more like You. I can only do so much here on my end. And it doesn't always go so well either. Basically, I suck when I'm trying to be self sufficient, and I'm too proud to ask for help. So here's me, asking for help. I desperately need it. I love You so much. Thanks for listening to me unload on You. I'll talk to You later.




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March 2013

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