chiefofsinners: (Default)
chiefofsinners ([personal profile] chiefofsinners) wrote2013-02-10 02:57 am
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Letters 3 and 4

You knew I was going to fall for him when You introduced him to me, didn't You? Of course You did... You knew I'd pay attention to what he has to say and so You chose him as Your mouthpiece. Dangit. You're worse and Dumbledore. Okay, maybe not. At least You have my best interests at heart. But still. That doesn't make my pride smart any  less. And I know You don't want me to take his word as gospel either. Because that would be just plain foolish. He is human and fallible and doesn't have everything 100% right either. But honestly, this is getting ridiculous. I want to be able to go to church again without constantly being distracted. It's getting really dang old. And honestly, half the time I just want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. He just makes me so exasperated. And then I lose my temper and run off my mouth and get myself in trouble. At least I haven't yet. But I just know it's coming. One of us is going to piss the other off and oy vey...
I need You to tame this spitfire spirit of mine. Help me to direct that fire where it will help and nourish rather than damage. Lengthen the fuse on my temper, and remind me of Your presence so I remember to draw on You for strength rather than trying to do it all on my own. You know how I have a tendency to do that.

Gosh. I'm always apologising to You, aren't I? Ugh. But I keep doing crap that requires an apology. And what did I do, but cut off my letter short, and then didn't get back to it until two days later... And it's not like there was a lot of verbal communication in the meantime either. *sigh*
I feel like I'm not even making any progress at all. That I'm stuck in the same phase still. Any changes that have occurred are so minute that it doesn't even feel like they've made a difference. It's just all the same crap on repeat.

I want to be wildly in love with You, not marginally enthused every once in awhile. I want You to infuse every aspect of my days and even nights. My life is so empty without You. All these things that I keep poking my nose back into... they're so worthless. Please help me to see that. To understand it with every part of my mind and my soul. That my heart knowledge would catch up to my head knowledge. Because my heart is so woefully behind. It has hardened so much that only the double-edged Word can pierce it. And even that has been hit and miss. It's frustrating. It just needs to be cracked apart so badly. As much as I know it would hurt, ANYTHING's better than this thrice damned apathy... I don't want to be stuck with this blasé attitude for the rest of my life. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. And don't just break it. Set it on fire. That I wouldn't just be momentarily moved by these things, but that I would be consumed by them and spurred into action.


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