chiefofsinners: (Default)
You knew I was going to fall for him when You introduced him to me, didn't You? Of course You did... You knew I'd pay attention to what he has to say and so You chose him as Your mouthpiece. Dangit. You're worse and Dumbledore. Okay, maybe not. At least You have my best interests at heart. But still. That doesn't make my pride smart any  less. And I know You don't want me to take his word as gospel either. Because that would be just plain foolish. He is human and fallible and doesn't have everything 100% right either. But honestly, this is getting ridiculous. I want to be able to go to church again without constantly being distracted. It's getting really dang old. And honestly, half the time I just want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. He just makes me so exasperated. And then I lose my temper and run off my mouth and get myself in trouble. At least I haven't yet. But I just know it's coming. One of us is going to piss the other off and oy vey...
I need You to tame this spitfire spirit of mine. Help me to direct that fire where it will help and nourish rather than damage. Lengthen the fuse on my temper, and remind me of Your presence so I remember to draw on You for strength rather than trying to do it all on my own. You know how I have a tendency to do that.

Gosh. I'm always apologising to You, aren't I? Ugh. But I keep doing crap that requires an apology. And what did I do, but cut off my letter short, and then didn't get back to it until two days later... And it's not like there was a lot of verbal communication in the meantime either. *sigh*
I feel like I'm not even making any progress at all. That I'm stuck in the same phase still. Any changes that have occurred are so minute that it doesn't even feel like they've made a difference. It's just all the same crap on repeat.

I want to be wildly in love with You, not marginally enthused every once in awhile. I want You to infuse every aspect of my days and even nights. My life is so empty without You. All these things that I keep poking my nose back into... they're so worthless. Please help me to see that. To understand it with every part of my mind and my soul. That my heart knowledge would catch up to my head knowledge. Because my heart is so woefully behind. It has hardened so much that only the double-edged Word can pierce it. And even that has been hit and miss. It's frustrating. It just needs to be cracked apart so badly. As much as I know it would hurt, ANYTHING's better than this thrice damned apathy... I don't want to be stuck with this blasé attitude for the rest of my life. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. And don't just break it. Set it on fire. That I wouldn't just be momentarily moved by these things, but that I would be consumed by them and spurred into action.

Letter 2

Feb. 10th, 2013 02:31 am
chiefofsinners: (Default)
Hey it's me again...
Without my meds in my system and with him here, I can't really concentrate unless I write down my thoughts. My mind just wanders.
I just wanted to thank You for the things that You showed me last night. Even though it was late and I definitely was feelinge it in the morning, I learned so much from that short time. I'm sorry I let my short attention span get in the way of real quality face time. Thank You for teaching me despite all of that.

Please help me focus only on You right now. Not my tiredness. Not my worries about life right now. Not on him and what he's doing or whether he's looking over here or not. That's just plain stupid.

Thank You for all of Your blessings today. Thank You so much for all the time I had to organise my thoughts and to figure out what I need to get ready for Monday. I really feel out of my depth without any curriculum to work from. I keep remembering more things that I need to do before then and it's seriously damaging my calm. Please help me to remain focussed and to get everything done that I need to get done. Help my brain not to freeze up like it usually does when I get overwhelmed.

And help me not to worry about staying in Korea. I want so desperately to stay. Of course, You know that. But really, I've come to love it here, problems notwithstanding. I've become part of a community here. And You've taught me so much through being here. I feel like there's so much I can still learn, and not just about Korea. I feel like there's still so much for me to learn about You too. I can't believe I've learned so much in only nine months, but there it is.

Thank You for Arnold. And thank You for my BSF. And for Pastors Dave, Drew, Tae, Dan, Sangmin and all of the others who have come and spoken. I can see such a clear narrative that You've chosen to weave these past nine months, and even further back than that, really. And thank You for Your reproof and gentle correction through these people. I feel like I would still be in the same rut as always if You hadn't sent Arnold as a catalyst. You do such amazing works through Your people. I'm still in awe that You would go through such effort. I almost don't feel like I'm worth it. Thank You for thinking that I'm worth all of it. You are so amazing, beyond anything I've ever known.

And please help me with this whole schpiel with him. I feel like I take about five steps forward and then about ten backwards. And it's slowly driving me nuts. I just want my own mind and my won heart back. I want to be the master of my own heart again. And I don't want to base my relationship with You on my feelings for him. once again, that's just stupid. Please help me to come into control of myself once again. Just help me take my thoughts captive constantly, especially when it interferes with my relationship with You.

Okay, I'm going to wrap it up now. But I ask that You just continue to renew my mind. That I would always be mindful of You and Your awesomeness, even when I'm not here. And help me to glorify You in everything, even in working this weekend.

I love You.

P.S. Haha, very funny...

Letter 1

Feb. 10th, 2013 02:11 am
chiefofsinners: (peeking)
I miss the days when I used to do this.
I think back then I had a journal to write these in as well.
What I need to do is get a book just for Your letters instead of sticking them in amongst all this hodge podge.
But then, you know how easily I get distracted. All the random notes would sneak in regardless.

I've missed You. More than even my family, I think. That kind of missing is just a vaguely dull ache that occasionally flares into something more visceral from time to time. Missing You though... It's an ache, too. But it's deeper. Down in my bones. There's that lonely feeling even when I'm surrounded by people. And then, when I have the chance to spend time with You but do other things instead, that ache underlies everything. And then it's suddenly so late and I've lost my chance for some face time, and it's that sinking feeling like I've just thrown away another four or more hours of my life.

I need You so much. My life feels so empty without You there. And I need You to help me not make so many stupid decisions. I know You must cringe at some of the crap I pull. I know I do... I've tuned out that still small voice for so long that now that I want to listen, I have to strain to hear it. I've lost the ability to consider the consequences of my actions before I jump in pell-mell. Like with the Great Christmas Glitter Debacle of 2012. That was stupid. No doubt about it. I could have saved a whole lot of time and energy if I'd just thought it out beforehand instead of just winging it.

And then there's this whole thing with him. I feel like I'm cheating on You, which I know is not the case at all. You want me to find someone. Or rather, You want me to meet the right one. But I want to get to know You better first. Because I feel like even after 11 years of 'knowing' You, I don't really know You. But my mind keeps gravitating back to him, even though I don't want it to. I like him a lot, though. Like a lot a lot. Heart, skipping beats, saying stuff that probably cements my idiocy in his mind, the whole schpiel. And I'd rather that wasn't the case.

I think I probably like him because he reminds me of You. Which is progress, I guess. I used to fall for absolute jerks who treated me horribly. So the fact that I've fallen for someone who is at least semi-concerned for my emotional and spiritual well-being is actually kind of a big thing. But I'm trying my darndest NOT to form emotional attachments to guys I should be viewing in a more brotherly fashion. And that's not working out so well for the most part. If I think about it, I've been doing this since kindergarten. Which is kind of alarming, really. This kind of behaviour is not something that should perpetuate for such a long time. It's unhealthy, and it's just stupid. I want to have normal relationships with the opposite sex. I'm so grateful for Cody and Rizz at least. Sort of the big brothers I never had. But the rest. It's destroying my sanity one bit at a time.

I need Your help. Big time. Help me to actually focus on something worthwhile for once. Keep drawing my mind away from him. Especially when it's infringing on face time with You. And help me to become more like You. I can only do so much here on my end. And it doesn't always go so well either. Basically, I suck when I'm trying to be self sufficient, and I'm too proud to ask for help. So here's me, asking for help. I desperately need it. I love You so much. Thanks for listening to me unload on You. I'll talk to You later.




chiefofsinners: (Default)

March 2013

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